mourning what i missed.

i flipped through my journal tonight and found this and wanted to share my mess of jumbled thoughts (an unfinished work, for sure...excuse the run on sentences):

11.22.10

john 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.

Thanksgiving is in 3 days and for the third year in a row, I'll be spending the "family" holiday without my family and with people who have very different definitions of the word "family." I feel blessed to have a job that will pay me to simply be present.  I don't have to do or say anything profound - I just have to be there.

Two and half years ago, before my newly earned bachelor's degree had come in the mail, with a desire to serve the brokenhearted people of this world, a heart that was still healing from my own brokenness and loss, and a sense of independence, freedom, and adventure, I left my little town in Indiana - bound for California, not sure if I'd ever return.

I titled the last chapter of my life "discipline" (http://tinyurl.com/4luo36x) I'd title this one "fear."  There's a sense of pride being 23 and living independently - it's like I've proven myself to the world.  I've proven that hearts do heal with enough time, that I can follow my dreams even if the dreams don't always live up to the "dream" I imagined in my head.

But at what cost? It cost me every holiday for the last three years with my family. I didn't really get to watch my baby sister grow up and become the adult she is today.  I wasn't there for my aunt's wedding or get to be there for a friend who has found her first love.  My family sometimes has to wait a week or more for my phone calls because in my busy-ness and adventure, I don't prioritize those relationships as I maybe should. More than the guilt of the present- I fear the future.  I'm not sure that my generation knows that "settling down" looks like because we're so transient and mobile. "Settling down" scares me. And is it a one time decision that I make to become "settled" or is it something that happens as life happens and all of the sudden, someday, I'm going to wake up and realize "Oh shit, is this what 'settled' is?"

I don't want to be fearful of my future because I know that I trust in a God who knows my heart and knows my fears and knows me better than I know myself.  But sometimes it's good to put it on paper. To remind myself that fear is normal and mourning what I missed is healthy.

my journal is lonely.

and

my heart is a mess.

i need to write.

If it were up to me...

It would be appropriate to wear my blue and green flannel Tom’s to work everyday.  

I would know the name of the man at Starbucks  who gives me free shots of espresso and with whom I’ve spent almost every lunch break this year.

Flights to Indiana would cost $50 each way.  

Everyone would be able to afford therapy and all therapists would be good.  

I’d send more Hallmark cards than e-mails.

A normal work week would be 30 hours.

Growing my own vegetables would be easy.  

Time would stop when I sit down and have a cup of coffee with my mom. 

I’d be able to understand why God seems so cold and distant.  

All kids would be able to swim.  

Cookies wouldn’t have calories.

I wouldn’t be scared of failing.  

There would be a Philz Coffee more conveniently located to my home or my place of employment.  

Deciding what I want to eat for lunch would be easy. 

All of my pictures from my lifetime would be digital and not hidden in my boxes in my parent’s basement.

I’d be inspired to spend more time on my blog.